Sometimes we discover a 12 step room that could be from a movie set. All of the chairs are comfortable. The room is well lit and airy. We can see trees and sky through the picture windows. There is the wonderful strong aroma of fresh brewed high quality coffee. Some delicious treats have been laid out buffet style for all to enjoy. The space is wonderfully cool during the warm weather months and nice and toasty in the winter.
Yes, sometimes we find a room like that, but much of the time that’s not the case. Often the chairs are rickety, the lighting is poor, it’s hot in the summer and chilly in the winter and the coffee looks and tastes like mud.
But the truth is that none of that matters. We could be sitting on pogo sticks and still need to be full of gratitude. We are part of a fellowship which has changed our lives. Apart from freeing us from of our drug of choice, we have experienced a psychic change. We are no longer the same person who walked through the door of AA, NA or OA the first time. Emotional sobriety has been encountered and has begun to be absorbed. That rickety chair you’ve been sitting on is worth more than a truckload of massage chairs and recliners.
Personal Reflection: Why is my home group seat so valuable?
Life was very hard for us. We were often flooded with a myriad of feelings. Anger, fear, jealousy, resentment and pride often overwhelmed us. We frequently felt that there was no pathway of relief from all of these emotions. Everything became bottled up inside. Then, at some point in our lives we discovered a safety valve. We began to use drugs, alcohol, food and other substances to dampen those feelings. Initially we experienced some degree of relief. Over time we discovered that using a substance was not a solution and just added a new layer of problems to our lives.
In sobriety we still feel all of those feelings. Sometimes we need to go to meetings and just “dump” out all of those feelings we are going through. Often once is not enough. That is why you who hear people sharing on the same issue over and over again in meetings. Each time they share, the issue or feeling loses a little bit more of its power.
Meetings however are not just about us sharing. When we deeply listen to others share we can find a solution to something which has been bothering us. The collective wisdom of members of our fellowship is a power which can heal.
Personal Reflection: How do I handle my feelings in sobriety?
There were many who entered the program with the goal of controlling their drinking, drugging or binge eating. They had no intention of practicing any type of abstinence. After a while, they realized that “controlled” using was antithetical to the program. Accepting this fact, they embarked on their journey towards sobriety. Shortly thereafter, another question was raised in their minds. They queried, “if the only reason you entered the program was to stop your drinking and drugging, why do you continue to attend meetings year after year”? As they gained a little more sobriety they soon were able to answer their own question. Listening carefully at meetings, they realized that the majority of shares had nothing to do with alcohol, drugs or food. Rather, people spoke about many other areas. There was a lot of discussion about personal defects of character and what people were doing to correct them. People also shared about life situations where they needed advice as to how to proceed. Sometimes members just reviewed their gratitudes or accomplishments from the day. It emerged that meetings provided a daily dose of guidance on how to navigate life. They also found that after sharing, they inevitably felt better.
Personal Reflection: What have I gained from the program beyond abstinence?
Going to meetings is one of the cornerstones of the program. Sometime we walk into the room bursting with the desire to share. Perhaps something occurred at work which we found to be upsetting. By sharing, some of the sting of the incident is lessened. Speaking at a meeting also gives us an opportunity to celebrate our sober victories. Maybe we were at a party and refrained from getting into an argument with someone. There is also power in our having the courage to raise our hands and speak our truth. For all too long we lived lives of lies and deception.
There will also be times when we go to a meeting and decide to just listen. This can be a good practice as well. While active we often dominated conversations because we thought we had all of the answers. By keeping silent and listening we strengthen our humility. Chances are, we will also hear something which can help strengthen our sobriety.
Finally, sometimes we’ve raised our hands to share and didn’t get an opportunity to do so. Rather than having a resentment we accept that our Higher Power wanted this to be a listening meeting for us. And, there is always the meeting after the meeting where we can share.
Personal Reflection: Am I both a talker and a listener
When we go to a meeting, we’re encouraged to speak openly and honestly about what is happening in our lives. However, that precept comes along with a proviso. Yes we want you to feel comfortable enough to speak about whatever is on your mind. That being said, we also need for you to exercise judgement about what you talk about. That doesn’t mean anything is off the table. What it does mean is that you need to differentiate between what is appropriate for discussion at a meeting and what is appropriate for discussion with your sponsor.
There are no hard and fast rules regarding this. It’s pretty much left in a member’s hands. It would certainly be inappropriate to speak publicly about issues you are having with another member. That would be something best left to a conversation with your sponsor. Sexual issues are also best left to a discussion with your sponsor.
Many people follow the practice of bringing up issues with their sponsor first. Once they gain some clarity around it, where necessary, they continue speaking about it at their next meeting.
When we’re not sure if something is appropriate for discussion at a meeting; a good rule of thumb is to call your sponsor about it.
Personal Reflection: Do I take the mess to my sponsor or to a meeting?
Almost all newcomers heard the same thing upon entering the program. It was “suggested” to them that they make 90 meetings in 90 days. Upon hearing this, they were often taken aback. For many of them, the thought of any type of commitment was viewed as an impossibility. While active, repeating any responsibility for more than a day was a prescription for failure. Then something wonderful began to happen. The program began to take hold and days and then weeks of sobriety were acquired. Their faces began to become known at both a home group and other groups as well. Before they knew it, they had made ninety meetings in ninety days. When their name was called they proudly walked up to receive their ninety day coin. When they sat down, some old timer turned to them and said, “Congratulations. Do you know what comes after ninety days? Ninety-one”.
By this time, hopefully our newcomer has accepted the reality of the program. Addiction is not like other afflictions. Going to meetings is not like a round of antibiotics. It is not something you take for a period of time and then are declared cured from your disease. Part of our medicine regimen are meetings. We need to have a lifetime prescription of meetings. Yes, the dosage may be different based on the case. But there is no doubt that frequent dosages of meetings are essential to sobriety.
Personal Reflection: Do I need to up my prescription of meetings?
Those of us who have been around awhile still make a lot of meetings. The reasons why we go today are different from when we first came in. Back then, it was all about putting down our drug of choice. We had the support of the fellowship to help us get through a day without picking up. Gratefully, that obsessive urge to use has lifted. Even so we don’t delude ourselves. We know that the meetings help us maintain our sobriety.
These days we go to to meetings for other reasons as well. We very much enjoy the camaraderie of the membership. Where else can you go and get to share your innermost feelings without fear of being judged. We also enjoy helping newcomers and others In the program who are still struggling. We have come to understand the value of service. Perhaps the most important reason for attending meetings has to do with emotional sobriety. All of those character defects which we possessed still raise their heads in one manner or another on a daily basis. New layers of emotional sobriety get laid down every time we go to a meeting. When we don’t make meetings, those same layers get ripped up. To build or sober emotional core, we need to commit to regular attendance at meetings.
Personal Reflection: Am I making enough meetings?