Is It True? Is It Kind? Is It Necessary?

We had prided ourselves on our gift of gab. This was especially true after we had had a few. The next day we couldn’t understand why people were upset or angry with us. The fact is we couldn’t quite remember what we had said. It must have been brilliant though, given our ability to wax poetic on all things. They must be sensitive sorts we mused to ourselves; and started the next conversation with whoever was near us.
In sobriety our sponsor really let us have it. At first he told us if we had a thought we should keep it to ourselves. Then he relented and told us we could resume conversations with people, but with three provisos. First, we could only speak the truth. No more of that grandiosity or arrogance of ours that often leaked through. Then he told us that before we told anyone anything we needed to check if it would hurt them in any way. If so, we were to keep our mouths shut. Finally, after passing those first two hurdles, we needed to examine if what was being said was really necessary. Following these guidelines we discovered that we had a lot less to say to people. On the positive side, when we did speak to people they no longer were angry or upset with us. In fact sometimes, they wanted to hear more.

Personal Reflection: Do I need to monitor my words more carefully?

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People Who Are Wrapped Up In Themselves Make A Very Small Package

Sometimes we get taken hostage in a conversation. We ask a very innocuous question such as, “how are you”? After that, everything becomes a blur. As long as we are willing to sit there and listen, the person proceeds to tell us about how wonderful they are, how many things they have accomplished, and usually how much better they are than everyone else. Every time we attempt to interject a point about ourself, it is quickly disregarded and the conversation returns to the self absorbed individual. On some level they probably believe that the more they speak about themselves, the more you’ll come to appreciate just how special they are.
In program, we quickly recognize the character defects of arrogance and grandiosity. We are far more impressed by those who know how to engage in a true conversation. A true conversation includes a person talking openly and honestly not only about what is going right in their lives; but about their character defects and challenges. They know when to pause and give you an opportunity to speak. Most importantly, they know how to listen empathetically without being in judgement or giving advice. Those are the kinds of conversations we need to seek out.

Personal Reflection: Do I sometimes still take people hostage?